Babe, I’m sorry and no offence but it’s
scientifically proven that society will literally think you are less nice and
pretty when you use any of these words.
All of my most hated words and expressions of
all time in one sentence. Microsoft Word grammar check screams in green
squiggly-line protest, yet I push on, for the greater cause, to eradicate the
following:
BABE/BABY
Why are you calling me a baby? If it’s
meant to be you telling me that I am cute and affectionate (I am neither) can’t
you just say those things? Babies are helpless and rely on the help of adults.
Whenever I get called “babe” I imagine myself crawling, diaper-clad, looking up
with wide sparkling eyes and a bit of drool at the larger-than-life figure in
front of me. “If you call me babe, does that make you my daddy?” I never seem
to get an answer from this question, because apparently me asking that is worse
than being called a baby. What would suit both parties here, is if I and no one
else gets called a baby at all ever.
SORRY
This word is only justifiable if you are
apologising for an action that you feel responsible for, that produces remorse.
If you are being polite or arguing then you are not sorry. “I’m sorry, but I think
that…” – why are you apologising for having an opinion? If you are so sorry,
and what you are about to say is so heinous and abrasive, don’t say it. “Sorry” in the everyday creates a self-loathing atmosphere that walks on
eggshells, fears confrontation and is desperate to please. If this
word is reserved only for when it’s really meant, “I’m sorry that I caused an
oil spill in the Atlantic” then it will mean so much more than your apparent guilt
for alerting the waiter that you’re missing a spoon.
NO OFFENCE
So cruel. This was a popular one at school,
and its utterance got me mobilised to be offended in a big way. If you don’t
want to cause offence then why say it at all? Why not rephrase it so that it
doesn’t cause offence? Or say it, and bear the consequences of being evil.
SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN
Slipping in the science fairy doesn’t beef up
your theory, it makes you sound like a vapid fool who is seduced by that
magical thing “science”. Its connotations of asexual faceless figures in white
coats (potentially stormtroopers?) sparkling laboratories, and test tubes extends
the myth that studies relating to science equate absolute truth. If you are
saying that your shampoo cures AIDs, and here’s the study to prove it, then quote
that exact study instead of spurring the forehead-smacking despair that is
“scientifically proven”. Or maybe reflect on the fact that if your theory needs
“scientifically proven” to not sound wrong then it probably is wrong.
SOCIETY
I twitch and tear up when “society” is
quoted as a reason for self-pity or inhibition. How could one be so self-involved as
to assume that all other humans in the world, who are all complex and
unique, think the exact same thing as the person next to them? Society
does not judge women based on their appearance, YOU judge women based on their
appearance. The less you blame society for your problems, and realise that it
is, in fact, your problem that you feel that way, the happier you’ll be. You
can say goodbye to complaining with your mates that society is so unforgiving, when
none of “society” (which I assume is anyone but you?) actually cares that you
want to start cross dressing or breed exotic animals or write a book about
cannibalism.
LITERALLY
This word is not ok. Leave it alone. If you
want to send the message across that something extreme happened, then all you
need to do is say the extreme thing. “I slept on the tram tracks”. “I literally
slept on the tram tracks”. What is the difference here? I feel let down when a
great author diseases their text with the festering meaningless mole that is
“literally”, for it signifies that they were too lazy to express themselves properly. The pandemic overuse of Sir Literally has sucked it dry of any greater purpose to conversation,
so that even when its used correctly, anyone in earshot crawls into a ball on
the floor and wants it all to be over now. I give this one the award for being
the most heinous, worth at least 20 societies and sorries. Delete Abort Destroy
Forever.
NICE/PRETTY
World’s worst compliment. I’d rather have
FAT SLUT written across my tombstone. Being “nice” or “pretty” is passive,
dull, and reeks of getting the tick of approval for not taking up too much space.
They belong to the same zone as the apologists, who feel guilty for existing,
and again are desperate to please. It is much more satisfying, for you and receivers,
to be kind or helpful or friendly or funny or interesting. These
characteristics celebrate the space you occupy, and encourage outward action
instead of shrinking against the wall, smiling and hoping that no-one thinks
you are mean. “Pretty” is disguised as a compliment on looks, but it really
rewards mostly girls for being unaware of their looks, thus reserving them for
others’ pleasure rather than their own. Do pretty and nice people have fun? No.
They are the source of all insecurity, of what “everyone else” is doing. No one
is nice, we all do mean things, we are all ugly most of the time. When we get
rid of pretty and nice, our effect on others will depend on how we use our
space, rather than what it looks like (pretty) or our attempt to reduce its
impact (nice).
The wrong “yours”, shitty punctuation, lyk
and hashtags may be grammatically erroneous, but they are not poisonous, the
way apologising unnecessarily is. Good language would be so much more powerful
if the focus moved away from smug, uninteresting rules on capitalisation and
toward picking up what connotations certain words have and what effect they
have on your attitude. I get so much more out of saying “#yolo” than using the
damned “literally”. Occupy your space with less apologetic terms and watch your
problems with society magically melt away.
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