Why Leo Should Have Pushed Kate off the Door: the Curse of the Oscarless Playboy

On the whole, it is better to deserve honours and not have them than to have them and not deserve them.
- Mark Twain's Notebook, 1902-1903

Leonardo Di Caprio might have this quote taped across his wall. For the first time ever, I might give my undivided attention to at least half an hour of the Oscars, so that I shall feel it its entirety the award scene of Best Actor in a Leading Role.

Leo, and/or his monolithic swarm of fans not unlike the crowds at White Night may be hitting their heads against the wall, Arnie Grape style, trying to fathom why his trophy cabinet is missing an Oscar. His IMBD page is a 1000+-word manifesto, begging why? Why? WHY?! behind each heady, manic accolade. “A high level of dramatic versatility”, “a generation’s definition of a heartthrob”, “continues to wow audiences by refusing to conform to any cliché”. It seems, that by acting in so many hot and classy blockbusters, a few token weird leftie movies and customary underprivileged upbringing, that this Renaissance man who is also an environmentalist and fluent in German, deserves an Oscar.

I realised, after watching Wolf of Wall Street in the cinemas, that in fact many movies I choose to venture outside for, feature “the heartthrob of a generation”. Peculiar. How has he become one of my favourites? A review of my own love for Leo uses “heaps of facial expressions”, “I like the characters”, “pretty” and “same birthday” as reasoning for keen approval. As I flick through websites and images of LDC, I pick up a few patterns - tendency to date models, an absurd amount of award nominations, with a sparse few won and a penchant for acting characters with tragic endings. What is Leo’s curse? An overview of his most well known characters clearly suggests bad omens, that can be split into three themes – #Wretchedness, #Unattainable Love and even a few #Diamonds. Observe:

Romeo and Juliet: Leo as Romeo falls in love with Juliet at a party. They get married behind their arch rivalled families. Romeo is banished, Juliet fakes a suicide, planning to awake 24 hours later and elope with Romeo. Romeo believes Juliet is dead and poisons himself. #unattainablelove #wretched

Titanic: Leo the roaming artist saves Rose the rich girl from committing suicide over her arranged marriage. Jack falls in love with Rose, Rose’s fiancé frames Jack with theft of his diamond necklace engagement present, and locks him up. Rose saves Jack, but Jack dies saving Rose at sea. #wretched #unattainablelove #diamonds

Blood Diamond: Leo the gunrunner and fisherman try to smuggle a diamond out of Africa. After several hours of bloody warfare, they succeed; reach the escape helicopter with diamond, but gunrunner dies just before the helicopter leaves. #wretched #unattainablelove #diamonds

Django Unchained: Leo the malicious Mississippi plantation owner is tricked into inviting bounty hunters home. He discovers their ploy to sell his slaves to them cheap, and insists on charging the full amount. He then demands a formal handshake with the bounty hunters but is shot through the heart instead. #wretched

The Great Gatsby: Leo as Gatsby the 1920s New York businessman whose party life is all to attract his ex love Daisy. He starts an affair with Daisy, she gives him up when she finds out he’s a crook, but he doesn’t lose faith…until he gets shot by a man who mistakes him for the driver (Daisy) that hit and killed his wife. Bad. Luck. #unattainablelove #wretched #diamonds

Even more…

#unattainablelove: The Beach, The Departed, J Edgar Hoover

#wretched: The Beach, What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, The Aviator, The Departed, J Edgar Hoover

With the irrefutable logic of correlation, I predict that the Wolf of Wall Street could finally draw the curtains on one long, soliloquy of Oscarless leader roles. For the first time Leo (as Jordan Belfort the “resourceful” stockbroker) does not die, the unattainable girl takes him AND he stays out of prison, giving the FBI and token #wretchedness the finger. If Leo wins an Oscar, it could relieve him of the tacky and un-Oscarly status as a “generation’s heartthrob”, and sweating fans will need to move on to another pretty actor’s plight to be taken seriously (cue Matthew McConaughey)? I hope that the man whose characters are fixated on diamonds, unattainable love and wretchedness will see the parallels in his own eternally hopeful, Oscarless state.

Christian Bale (as Batman) glares at me from my iPhone wallpaper. Matthew McConaughey seems like a great guy, I don’t know who the hell Bruce Dern is (Wikipedia points out that I vaguely recognize him, but this is cheating I didn’t know his name to start off), and I am quite pleased with myself that I could type out Chiwetel Ejiofor’s name on first glance from Google. I’m also looking forward to Jennifer Lawrence’s last-ditch attempt at self-deprecation, while awkwardly modelling Dior (here's your chance Leo!). I hope that twice-victor Tom Hanks, thrice-victor Daniel Day-Lewis and JLaw quietly high five and sit on their own table, while the rest of them in ad breaks will crawl down the red carpet, drugged, drooling and desperate to receive their well-deserved Oscar.