Compliments from a Stranger v. Catcalling: A voice from a city that seems to get it

Catcalling on the street. A favourite of pop journalist opinion pieces, something that I’ve heard is a big deal in LA and New York, not something I’ve ever really needed to confront in Melbourne. My only firsthand experiences were being honked a few times when I was awkwardly around 13 years old waiting for public transport, and a few comments at rugby when fundraising for rowing in a zootie. As a 13 year old, I thought I must have been standing on the road or messed something loud on my outfit, and when fundraising I was delighted that a dude told me I had a nice rack when I was a pretty flat-chested and grumpy lightweight rower.

So what of street harassment? And is this a silly problem that is sucking oxygen away from more important gender issues? The recent video of actress walking through New York and being catcalled condemns without hesitation all who thought it was justified and welcome to let strangers know that they are looking at them and they want a piece of it. There is retaliation, mainly from men, that catcalling is a compliment and a bit of harmless flirtation on the part of the guy making a comment. Dating expert Steve Santigati even claims that a woman’s greatest desire in public is to be told they are pretty, so all of this complaining about catcalls is really to cover up a subconscious glee that dude X on the train wants to know what you’re doing tonight. I love being told by a stranger how I must be thinking, so cheers Steve for the psychoanalysis. My opinion of this all is really to stop using catcalls as an excuse to enforce the sexist status quo and get to know what is ok and not ok to say to a stranger in the street.

I often see guys out in public who I think are very attractive – often I wish I had walked up to them and said hello, or made a conversational comment about their clothes or what they’re reading. The few times I have mustered up the courage to talk to them, sometimes they have subtly added their girlfriend into the conversation topic or that they’re just not interested. I would deem it revolting for me to go up the man of interest and be like, “I was just looking at you over there and you look pretty hot. What are you doing tonight boy?” Even if you would love for someone to say this to you, one has to accept that for most, it’s pretty fucking creepy for a stranger to let you know that they’ve been watching you and thinking about having sex with you. Especially if you’re a woman, and most probably unable to defend themselves against a larger male (Though this fortunately was not the case when in Marseilles an approximately 90 year old man about two heads shorter than me and half my body weight joyously followed me back to my hostel, calling out “bonjour, bonjour” the whole way).

So my voice on all of the madness is this: I think it’s fun and exciting to meet people at any time or any place. It can be the most exhilarating part of your day to actually go up to someone who interests you in any way and try to have a connection. On the other hand, I DON’T think it is ok for someone to talk AT you and make it clear that your purpose in their life is for your image and you as an object to arouse them. 99% of the time, especially during the day, it is unacceptable and mean for one to go up to another have let them know that they are being seen in this way, when they’re trying to work or run errands. 

Want to give a genuine compliment to someone you see? Make conversation and assess whether their personality would welcome it. Some women would like it, some wouldn't. Would these guys in LA or NYC actually approach these women they catcall, look them in the eye and say hello properly? I like to say hello and smile at as many people as possible during the day. I also would love to have the confidence to go up to guys who interest me and get to know them, and vice versa have guys approach me to make friendly conversation. This subtle change in public interaction is a huge step for gender equality, and you never know, a genuine greeting to an attractive passerby could garner far greater results than “Nice ass sweetheart!”

To see Santigati's "mansplaining" of NY catcall video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-HI4DC18wCg

Aeternum Fortis: Here's to Connor Dawes and fixing an 18-month backinjury once and for all

I wrote early this year about pain, what it means to me and how I’ve learnt to take it seriously. It brings me a lot of pain and frustration to say that it has been a year since I left rowing to improve my injuries, and I still often feel like I haven’t gone anywhere.

I could bore you with the convoluted, verbalized confusion I try to spindle out to doctors and therapists about my past injuries. None are bad enough to have surgery or severely remove me from a fulfilling life. So to make things clear and present-focused, here’s what I’m working with, and what I want to fix permanently:

1.     Back injuries: specifically a disc bulge between L4/L5 vertebrae…very very common, with pain symptoms depending on how much the bulging disc hits nerves nearby. I also am missing a disc in L5/S1, which puts more pressure on the already bulging L4/L5.

At the moment this means I completely avoid rowing, ergos or running. I can do low-intensity swims, watt bike, cycling and walking. I can do most weights exercises other than those that load up the lower back area. I have learnt over the past 12 months to prioritise strength over cardio when returning from injury.

2.     Shin Splints: a minor injury but a massive pest! These will come up with any running at all or a long bout of walking. I have had these since I was 16, I gave up a while ago on trying to fix them but I have decided to take up the challenge again. Many rowers enjoy running as cross training or as a substitute when they need to reduce volume on the water.

3.     Motivation: I’ve found it hard to believe that I could truly overcome these injuries to be a 100% functional rower and athlete again. With 18 months under my belt of dealing with a bad back, it’s easy to categorise yourself as someone whose body just can’t take rowing.

At Connor’s Run today I was so moved by Connor Dawes’ attitude to his illness, and what I took from his story as very fierce positivity right to the end. This has really pushed me to believe that with the right work and attitude, I can fix myself up and row again.

I would love to hear people’s opinions on what has worked for them, or what they know works for lumbar disc bulges and shin splints. Currently I do weights 2-3 times a week, which is a combination of core and resistance exercises. I either walk-run or bike or swim once a day. I have done this inconsistently for a few months, I do think for the sake of motivation, that I should practice some discipline and put in the effort to do it daily, ideally in the morning. I initially thought with shin splints that rest was the key, though I’m finding out now though that calf stretches and strength exercises are also essential – something to add to a daily warm up and warm down I think.

Aeternum Fortis, and thanks Connor for the push. Looking forward to the first time I can take the scull out for a light row.

For more information on Connor Dawes and the RCD fund, http://rcdfund.org/

Why Leo Should Have Pushed Kate off the Door: the Curse of the Oscarless Playboy

On the whole, it is better to deserve honours and not have them than to have them and not deserve them.
- Mark Twain's Notebook, 1902-1903

Leonardo Di Caprio might have this quote taped across his wall. For the first time ever, I might give my undivided attention to at least half an hour of the Oscars, so that I shall feel it its entirety the award scene of Best Actor in a Leading Role.

Leo, and/or his monolithic swarm of fans not unlike the crowds at White Night may be hitting their heads against the wall, Arnie Grape style, trying to fathom why his trophy cabinet is missing an Oscar. His IMBD page is a 1000+-word manifesto, begging why? Why? WHY?! behind each heady, manic accolade. “A high level of dramatic versatility”, “a generation’s definition of a heartthrob”, “continues to wow audiences by refusing to conform to any cliché”. It seems, that by acting in so many hot and classy blockbusters, a few token weird leftie movies and customary underprivileged upbringing, that this Renaissance man who is also an environmentalist and fluent in German, deserves an Oscar.

I realised, after watching Wolf of Wall Street in the cinemas, that in fact many movies I choose to venture outside for, feature “the heartthrob of a generation”. Peculiar. How has he become one of my favourites? A review of my own love for Leo uses “heaps of facial expressions”, “I like the characters”, “pretty” and “same birthday” as reasoning for keen approval. As I flick through websites and images of LDC, I pick up a few patterns - tendency to date models, an absurd amount of award nominations, with a sparse few won and a penchant for acting characters with tragic endings. What is Leo’s curse? An overview of his most well known characters clearly suggests bad omens, that can be split into three themes – #Wretchedness, #Unattainable Love and even a few #Diamonds. Observe:

Romeo and Juliet: Leo as Romeo falls in love with Juliet at a party. They get married behind their arch rivalled families. Romeo is banished, Juliet fakes a suicide, planning to awake 24 hours later and elope with Romeo. Romeo believes Juliet is dead and poisons himself. #unattainablelove #wretched

Titanic: Leo the roaming artist saves Rose the rich girl from committing suicide over her arranged marriage. Jack falls in love with Rose, Rose’s fiancé frames Jack with theft of his diamond necklace engagement present, and locks him up. Rose saves Jack, but Jack dies saving Rose at sea. #wretched #unattainablelove #diamonds

Blood Diamond: Leo the gunrunner and fisherman try to smuggle a diamond out of Africa. After several hours of bloody warfare, they succeed; reach the escape helicopter with diamond, but gunrunner dies just before the helicopter leaves. #wretched #unattainablelove #diamonds

Django Unchained: Leo the malicious Mississippi plantation owner is tricked into inviting bounty hunters home. He discovers their ploy to sell his slaves to them cheap, and insists on charging the full amount. He then demands a formal handshake with the bounty hunters but is shot through the heart instead. #wretched

The Great Gatsby: Leo as Gatsby the 1920s New York businessman whose party life is all to attract his ex love Daisy. He starts an affair with Daisy, she gives him up when she finds out he’s a crook, but he doesn’t lose faith…until he gets shot by a man who mistakes him for the driver (Daisy) that hit and killed his wife. Bad. Luck. #unattainablelove #wretched #diamonds

Even more…

#unattainablelove: The Beach, The Departed, J Edgar Hoover

#wretched: The Beach, What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, The Aviator, The Departed, J Edgar Hoover

With the irrefutable logic of correlation, I predict that the Wolf of Wall Street could finally draw the curtains on one long, soliloquy of Oscarless leader roles. For the first time Leo (as Jordan Belfort the “resourceful” stockbroker) does not die, the unattainable girl takes him AND he stays out of prison, giving the FBI and token #wretchedness the finger. If Leo wins an Oscar, it could relieve him of the tacky and un-Oscarly status as a “generation’s heartthrob”, and sweating fans will need to move on to another pretty actor’s plight to be taken seriously (cue Matthew McConaughey)? I hope that the man whose characters are fixated on diamonds, unattainable love and wretchedness will see the parallels in his own eternally hopeful, Oscarless state.

Christian Bale (as Batman) glares at me from my iPhone wallpaper. Matthew McConaughey seems like a great guy, I don’t know who the hell Bruce Dern is (Wikipedia points out that I vaguely recognize him, but this is cheating I didn’t know his name to start off), and I am quite pleased with myself that I could type out Chiwetel Ejiofor’s name on first glance from Google. I’m also looking forward to Jennifer Lawrence’s last-ditch attempt at self-deprecation, while awkwardly modelling Dior (here's your chance Leo!). I hope that twice-victor Tom Hanks, thrice-victor Daniel Day-Lewis and JLaw quietly high five and sit on their own table, while the rest of them in ad breaks will crawl down the red carpet, drugged, drooling and desperate to receive their well-deserved Oscar.

Fly #10: Your New Year's Resolution is to never use the word "literally" everagain.

Babe, I’m sorry and no offence but it’s scientifically proven that society will literally think you are less nice and pretty when you use any of these words.

All of my most hated words and expressions of all time in one sentence. Microsoft Word grammar check screams in green squiggly-line protest, yet I push on, for the greater cause, to eradicate the following:

BABE/BABY

Why are you calling me a baby? If it’s meant to be you telling me that I am cute and affectionate (I am neither) can’t you just say those things? Babies are helpless and rely on the help of adults. Whenever I get called “babe” I imagine myself crawling, diaper-clad, looking up with wide sparkling eyes and a bit of drool at the larger-than-life figure in front of me. “If you call me babe, does that make you my daddy?” I never seem to get an answer from this question, because apparently me asking that is worse than being called a baby. What would suit both parties here, is if I and no one else gets called a baby at all ever.

SORRY

This word is only justifiable if you are apologising for an action that you feel responsible for, that produces remorse. If you are being polite or arguing then you are not sorry. “I’m sorry, but I think that…” – why are you apologising for having an opinion? If you are so sorry, and what you are about to say is so heinous and abrasive, don’t say it. “Sorry” in the everyday creates a self-loathing atmosphere that walks on eggshells, fears confrontation and is desperate to please. If this word is reserved only for when it’s really meant, “I’m sorry that I caused an oil spill in the Atlantic” then it will mean so much more than your apparent guilt for alerting the waiter that you’re missing a spoon.

NO OFFENCE

So cruel. This was a popular one at school, and its utterance got me mobilised to be offended in a big way. If you don’t want to cause offence then why say it at all? Why not rephrase it so that it doesn’t cause offence? Or say it, and bear the consequences of being evil.

SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN

Slipping in the science fairy doesn’t beef up your theory, it makes you sound like a vapid fool who is seduced by that magical thing “science”. Its connotations of asexual faceless figures in white coats (potentially stormtroopers?) sparkling laboratories, and test tubes extends the myth that studies relating to science equate absolute truth. If you are saying that your shampoo cures AIDs, and here’s the study to prove it, then quote that exact study instead of spurring the forehead-smacking despair that is “scientifically proven”. Or maybe reflect on the fact that if your theory needs “scientifically proven” to not sound wrong then it probably is wrong.

SOCIETY

I twitch and tear up when “society” is quoted as a reason for self-pity or inhibition. How could one be so self-involved as to assume that all other humans in the world, who are all complex and unique, think the exact same thing as the person next to them? Society does not judge women based on their appearance, YOU judge women based on their appearance. The less you blame society for your problems, and realise that it is, in fact, your problem that you feel that way, the happier you’ll be. You can say goodbye to complaining with your mates that society is so unforgiving, when none of “society” (which I assume is anyone but you?) actually cares that you want to start cross dressing or breed exotic animals or write a book about cannibalism.

LITERALLY

This word is not ok. Leave it alone. If you want to send the message across that something extreme happened, then all you need to do is say the extreme thing. “I slept on the tram tracks”. “I literally slept on the tram tracks”. What is the difference here? I feel let down when a great author diseases their text with the festering meaningless mole that is “literally”, for it signifies that they were too lazy to express themselves properly. The pandemic overuse of Sir Literally has sucked it dry of any greater purpose to conversation, so that even when its used correctly, anyone in earshot crawls into a ball on the floor and wants it all to be over now. I give this one the award for being the most heinous, worth at least 20 societies and sorries. Delete Abort Destroy Forever.

NICE/PRETTY

World’s worst compliment. I’d rather have FAT SLUT written across my tombstone. Being “nice” or “pretty” is passive, dull, and reeks of getting the tick of approval for not taking up too much space. They belong to the same zone as the apologists, who feel guilty for existing, and again are desperate to please. It is much more satisfying, for you and receivers, to be kind or helpful or friendly or funny or interesting. These characteristics celebrate the space you occupy, and encourage outward action instead of shrinking against the wall, smiling and hoping that no-one thinks you are mean. “Pretty” is disguised as a compliment on looks, but it really rewards mostly girls for being unaware of their looks, thus reserving them for others’ pleasure rather than their own. Do pretty and nice people have fun? No. They are the source of all insecurity, of what “everyone else” is doing. No one is nice, we all do mean things, we are all ugly most of the time. When we get rid of pretty and nice, our effect on others will depend on how we use our space, rather than what it looks like (pretty) or our attempt to reduce its impact (nice).

The wrong “yours”, shitty punctuation, lyk and hashtags may be grammatically erroneous, but they are not poisonous, the way apologising unnecessarily is. Good language would be so much more powerful if the focus moved away from smug, uninteresting rules on capitalisation and toward picking up what connotations certain words have and what effect they have on your attitude. I get so much more out of saying “#yolo” than using the damned “literally”. Occupy your space with less apologetic terms and watch your problems with society magically melt away.