Fly #6: Why I Don't Like Tony Abbott

Feeling proud to be Australian does not come naturally to me. I wasn’t born here, I only got an Australian passport when I was 15, and my parents and brother were not born in Australia either. However, I do feel a bit patriotic when I find myself announcing to anyone that will listen that I passionately hate Tony Abbott. Why do I hate Tony Abbott? Give us your real reasons. None of this, “I just think he’s sexist” or, “I just don’t like the look of him”. What policies do you not like? What about the Liberal Party do you not agree on?

Stupid questions. I don’t like him because he has a swagger and a smirk. And he exercises too much. And I don’t care that he wears pale blue and hangs out with his daughters, he’s sexist. No amount of calm undulating prose will change that. Yes Kevin Rudd is also a massive tool, but I see his shortcomings as being more of a smarmy Milhouse type than the thug-in-a-suit vibe Abbott wholeheartedly embraces.

Do I have much to back up these opinions? No. I could Google some dirt on Abbott and the Liberal policies to make it look like I am a couch expert, but I won’t. Pretend to be smart, Emma. Write about why Abbott actually sucks. I’m sure his refugee policies are racist, or he thinks gay people are bad or doesn’t do enough for the Children. Appear Informed and Enlightened, be a Gal Who Knows Things. But why should I when I don’t want to? After I finish this little spiel I plan on making some shortbread cookies (matcha flavoured!). Then I will maybe spin on my chair and watch some Youtube videos about man-eating butterflies. Or Yetis. I have no interest in scratching beneath the surface of Abbott’s slimy exterior, and my vote counts for just as much as the sorry arsehole who sweats in front of Q&A every day.

Those who are like me and almost feel pride in judging Rudd and Abbott’s credibility on their ear wax-eating capabilities might be confused as to why they are reading something that is innate. It was understood from the first day of that Australian Studies class in Year 10 conducted in the dank portable classrooms. Those who know the ins and outs of what the hell was going on when Rudd bounced into office one morning and Julia’s name was gone on the door might lament yet another infuriating apathetic voter. But Tony Abbott making friends at the Aged Care Home, the watered down, filtered policies and lies made up about both parties in the papers are more important than who Abbott and Rudd are or what they are doing. As our form of mass communication is now image and sound dominated, rather than of text from yesteryears, Tony Abbott's job is far less about the fine print and number crunching and far more about public relations and whoring himself out to the public. 21 million people will not look up if they see or hear about a bitching superannuation policy, but they will if a chick in the office has a mono brow, or if a Senator were caught snorting lines at a cabinet minister’s Easter BBQ. This could be a cue in for the stale rant on how stupid everyone is, but we live in a representative democracy where we elect someone to run the country for us, so if one is spending their time contributing to society elsewhere, they have the right to have no idea what goes on in Parliament. What’s more, intelligence is relative, and all those fools who only know Abbott for being a dirty boxer Rhodes Scholar who punches people against walls probably know a lot about something like brain surgery or tax fraud and can’t be bothered thinking about anything hard-core when they get home from work.

So next time you tut tut when someone hates on Julia Gillard for her ocker accent, just remember that unless you actually dig politics, in which case I salute you soldier, who you vote for has nothing to do with politics and everything to do with the slick response on FM radio interviews, what breed of dog they have and how hot their girl on the side is. Unless of course, you are an undergraduate humanities student and must try with all your might to be part of an imaginary Left crusade that changes the world via Leftie whale saving Julian  Assange-supporting I don’t like Kate Middleton ways (I do, so now I am confused). To top it off and prove my point even more, I bet after you read about my cookies you were far more interested in knowing what matcha shortbread would look and taste like than what I was writing about. It looks terrible, but it tastes amazing. Nice to know that some things can be good without looking good.

And some yeti videos for you (couldn't find any on man-eating insects)http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AIIgGtpcG94